After a long drive back, I was finally home. I locked my door, and made my way inside. It felt wonderful to be back, I had missed my apartment. The scent of my room spray was fresh, the carpet was luxuriant and clean. I turned on a few lights, had a cup of decaf, and made my way to the bathroom. The vacation had been so needed. I had to stop it. I knew how chaotic things could be- I would not allow it to happen. My obsession with my patient was shameful, destructive, and damaging. Just like him. If I continued, everything would be lost. My career wasn't even worth it now...Joan was already suspicious about all my extra hours, colleagues asking questions, my avoiding any lunch dates. It was all out of hand.
He had already altered the way I saw others, and soon, he would try to altering way I saw myself. I needed the vacation. It had only been three weeks. Just enough time to gather myself, to regain control of my life.
I could just imagine how fantastic the hot water would feel. I lit the scented candles in my bathroom, and turned on music. I spotted a sheet of paper by the end of the porcelain tub. Of course, it would be about him. I frowned, scanned over his medicines, and tossed the paper in my garbage by the sink. I wouldn't think of him. My patent, my demon, my captor, my puddin-pie, my mirror. The scalding water relaxed my limbs, and I drifted off to the music. My hands ventured by my thighs, but I knew any type of pleasure was a terrible idea, lest his scarred face fill my mind. After an hour or so of blissful relaxation, I slid on a slinky red bath robe, and made my way to my room.
My front door was closed, but unlocked. I felt myself grow lightheaded. I made my way towards my bedroom, cursing myself for what I was wearing. My kitchen looked fine, a cabinet sighing ajar. With anxiety, I threw my door open, my eyes searching the dark. Nobody there- except my lamp was on. Dim, but still on. Panic engulfed me. Was I already insane? Had my nights of insomnia cured all rationality? There had to be someone here. I hunted through my room, but it was fruitless. Unease tensed my nerves like bitter lemon hitting cuts- a feeling I was all to acquainted with. I sighed, and slipped off my robe, slipping on panties and a short black slip. I felt his eyes on me before I even turned around.
It took every once of strength not to start screaming. I turned to see him, leaning by my closet, when only seconds ago he hadn't been there. I could feel his emotions, and I knew that he was livid. His predatory stance was eerily still, and unlike him. His black rimmed eyes bore holes into mine, white makeup like some hellish ghost. I don't know how long it must have been, it felt like time itself had stopped.
" Where were you, Har-ley?". His voice broke the silence. It was controlled. Toneless. Just the sight of him created the familiar fire burning, reason blurred. The effect of drinking two cups of wine. I knew what would rally him. Play it safe?
" I was taking a vacation for my......health"
He moved closer, and I could see he was now very twitchy. His face was filled with malevolent wrath, and a black murderous emotion was filling his eyes. Why did I feel so exhilarated? So happy to see those emotions? He looked like he longed to kill me. Medically speaking, I should have backed away, slowly pacifying him. But I didn't. I inched closer.
" I do NOT like being ignored. You have missed our sessions. Tell me, Har-leen, did you plan it?"
He had pulled out his knife. When he brought it up towards his chest, I saw it was one of mine, from my cabinet. J smiled, and moved close to me, the knife the only boundary.
" How.... did ....you escape?"
His lips sneered at me.
" Do not ignore my ques-tion"
I leaned in. I couldn't break the invisible barrier, and I knew he wouldn't. I would always suffer like this, pining away for a madman. Hating myself for it. He would always be content just watching me waste my life loving him.
" After searching myself, I have decided to quit my job at the asylum, as I no longer feel my services are required. ".
The words sprang out fast, before I could yield them down in my chest. I felt a rush of hope, hope his hands would break the barrier to strike out like a lethal snake. But they didn't.
" I would like to kill you for saying that. Verry verry much. I won't, because you don't mean it."
" Of course I do." my voice was filled with rising anger. My inward voice cautioned myself, I ignored it.
" Do you, Doc-tor? And not make a name off little old me?"
He threw the knife to the floor, grabbing me by the throat and pulling me into him. I could feel my nipples harden against his chest, my pupils dilate at the contact. I was faced with hell, with the devil himself, and it wasn't close enough. His breathing was fast, I could feel his bloodlust.
" I think I have made it apparent, Har-lee, that I do not like you wan-dering off. Avoiding mee." He paused, his voice silky, telling a secret. " Bad things happen when things don't go my way"
I felt chills, and a mix of impulses- to shove him, kiss him, or claw him.
" For all your talk of chaos, superiority. and being... What was it? Ahead? You sound like a fucking petulant child. "
He shook his head at me, laughing. " Silly little Har-lee, thinking she can goad me. You think I don't know you are obsesssssed with me?"
He threw me hard into the closet, my back burning. I felt my eyes drink him.
" Why are you in my apartment?"
He pulled me back, staring at me.
" Now, I can't have you just... Disssssss- a- peer-ing when we had so much progress."
I felt my lips pull sardonically. He was baiting me. He was trying to crawl back into my mind. I had already shown him to much, I couldn't let him find a way in. He paused, and continued.
" Your therapy was going so wellll Har-lee!"
His words suddenly seemed to be a mask of emotion. I smiled my sweetest doctor smile, and spoke in a removed voice. " If that's what you think,J ."
He pulled me back from the closet, knife back in hands. I felt drowsy, submissive to him, and on impulse, asked it.
Those unhinged stormy eyes locked on mine, and suddenly looked taken back.
" What did you just say?" His voice swelled with danger, but his eyes had betrayed him.
" I said, do you care for me?" The voice in my head instantly rebuked me. You shouldn't have said it, harls. Bad move.
I could see it all on his face; shock, uncertainty, anger and hatred. He licked his lips at least three times before he spoke.
" You should know me better than to ask that, Har-ley. You are sooo very weak. So pathetically human."
His hand flew to my cheek, pain flooding my jaw. His eyes deepened in his hatred, whether it was for me or himself, and he slapped me again. And again. Until I was imitating him. Mocking him. Smiling.
" You can't bear the thought of me loving you, can you J? Or is it the thought you might have an attachment for me worse? Does it frighten you to feel this human?"
I wanted him to hit me again. I needed those hands, I needed his rage, I needed his contact. I needed to solidify our dynamic. I may be obsessed with you, J. That doesn't mean I am weak. The potency of his rage was causing my very mind to unwind. But damned it all, if he had my moral fiber, he couldn't have my sanity. The emotions I had pent up inside me threatened to kill me. I'd rather him do it. I felt the waves of thousands of emotions, torrents burning me.
He said nothing, licking his lips. The knife was suddenly by my throat.
" I expect to see you tommmarow Har-leen. Don't be late, now."
The knife dropped, and I grabbed onto him, unable to help myself.
" Where are you going?" I whispered.
He blinked, and gave me a blank stare.
" To Arkham, of course"
I didn't dream that night.
Hello everyone, I wrote this as a very long one shot, just exploring an earlier part of Harley's relationship with The Joker. It's long, and in first person. Mature language. Please, R+R
No copyright infringement is intended.
No copyright infringement is intended.
Author's Chapter Notes:
I think I want this as a one shot. Again, beware language, cheers!
Chapter End Notes:
Again, review, negative or positive. Bit of a change from my usual(-: